Dear Dezi: Sexual Identity Deception

Dezi,

Thank you again for creating space for that conversation the other night. It’s such a painful and confusing experience—believing you married one person, and then discovering something so different. Being able to sit with other women who truly understand that feeling meant more to me than I can really put into words.

I was honestly shocked by how many of us have experienced the same kind of betrayal—thinking we married a heterosexual partner, only to later find out that wasn’t the truth.

And to be clear, I don’t have any issue with someone’s sexuality. What’s been difficult for me is realizing that I made a life choice based on who I believed my partner was, only to find out that honesty wasn’t there. That kind of deception—whatever the reason behind it—is what’s been hardest to come to terms with. It just…freagin’ hurts girl.

H-

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Hey H,

I just want to share this with you gently, because I know how heavy all of this can feel. What you went through didn’t happen overnight. It unfolded slowly, in ways that would have been hard for anyone to fully see in the moment. It’s also difficult learning late that there was a narcissistic personality disorder in childhood that went undiagnosed.

In the beginning, some of what you noticed—like insecurity or fragile masculinity—may have been signs that he was struggling internally with things he didn’t understand or couldn’t face. Instead of being open about that, he tried to hold onto a certain image of himself. This is VERY common with narcissistic personalities.

Over time, those internal struggles don’t just disappear. They tend to come out in behavior—sometimes through pushing boundaries or seeking out new experiences—not from a grounded place, but from a need to fill something or avoid something deeper. As that continues, it can grow into patterns that feel more confusing and more disconnected from the person you thought you knew. And when there’s secrecy involved, it makes everything even more disorienting.

I think the most important thing I want you to hold onto is this: none of this is a reflection of your worth. You showed up in good faith, responding to the person he presented himself to be. You didn’t have the full picture—and that’s not your fault.

Of course this feels confusing. Of course it hurts. You were trying to make sense of something that wasn’t fully honest to begin with. You’re allowed to take your time processing this. You’re allowed to feel whatever comes up. And more than anything—you deserve honesty, clarity, and a relationship where you feel safe and fully seen.

-Dezi

To further explain the trips to the Philippines and the attractions to certain individuals, I’m including some information on it. Sometimes understanding the “why” helps us heal faster:

Understanding What May Be Going On

Some husbands present themselves as fully heterosexual, family-oriented partners—but secretly engage in sexual behavior that contradicts that image. When this involves repeated trips abroad and hidden encounters, it’s often not just about sex. It’s about a pattern of deception, control, and unmet psychological needs.

This can be especially confusing and painful for partners, because the behavior is hidden, compartmentalized, and often denied.

Why Some Men Live This Double Life

1. They need validation and attentionMen with strong narcissistic traits often crave constant reassurance that they are desirable and powerful. In certain environments, they may be treated as special or important, which feeds that need.

2. They want control without emotional responsibilityTransactional or secret encounters allow them to control the situation—what happens, when it happens, and how involved they get—without having to give emotional intimacy, honesty, or accountability.

3. They avoid real intimacyTrue closeness requires vulnerability, honesty, and mutual respect. Some men avoid this by seeking purely physical or fantasy-based experiences where they don’t have to emotionally connect.

4. They rely on secrecy and compartmentalizationTraveling makes it easier to keep a second life hidden. They mentally separate their “family life” from their “secret life,” which allows them to continue both without confronting the contradiction.

Why They May Be Attracted to Transgender Women (or “ladyboys”)

First, a quick clarification:

• A transgender woman is someone assigned male at birth who identifies and lives as a woman.

• The term “ladyboy” is used in some regions but can feel disrespectful depending on context.

Now, the attraction itself can come from several overlapping factors:

1. Novelty and tabooThe combination of feminine appearance with male anatomy can feel “forbidden” or outside typical expectations. For some men, that sense of taboo increases sexual excitement.

2. Fantasy without identity accountabilitySome men tell themselves: “This doesn’t change who I am.”They may cling to a heterosexual identity while acting outside of it in secret, because they separate fantasy from identity.

3. Control and emotional distanceThese encounters are often perceived as less emotionally demanding. The man may feel he can engage sexually without being vulnerable or forming a real relationship.

4. Complicated or hidden sexual identityFor some, the attraction reflects bisexuality or fluid attraction they are unwilling to acknowledge openly. Instead of integrating that truth, they hide it.

5. FetishizationRather than seeing the person as a whole human being, they may focus on a specific body type or combination. This reduces the person to a fantasy, which makes emotional detachment easier.

Why This Hurts So Deeply

For partners, this isn’t just about sex—it’s about:

• Betrayal of trust

• Lies and double lives

• Emotional manipulation or denial

• Questioning your own reality (“How did I not know?”) I’ve done this!

It can feel especially destabilizing because the behavior often contradicts everything the husband claimed to be.

Important Distinction

The harm here is not caused by transgender women.

It comes from the husband’s:

• dishonesty

• secrecy

• lack of accountability

• and, in some cases, exploitative behavior (ugh)

What Matters Moving Forward

If someone is affected by this kind of situation:

• Trust what you’ve discovered—don’t minimize it-Red flags, even pink ones matter!

• Focus on your own safety (emotional, financial, legal)

• Seek trauma-informed support (therapy, support groups (like SoulCatchers), legal guidance)

• Set firm boundaries—especially around honesty and accountability

If I’ve learned anything in these times we live in it’s be open minded to sexuality, closed minded to abusers, many relationships have a shelf life, and divorce can be bliss.

Hope this helps with the processing. Here if needed.

Dezi Golden, LMT-CLC

Narcissistic Recovery Mentor

Founder of SoulCatchers Women's Group

(575) 932-9741