Dear Dezi: Missing Them...But Not

N. Lungry writes in:

Dear Dezi,

I was once part of your SoulCatchers group in FL. I enjoyed the healing so much and wish you were still here. I wasn't at a place where I had left my partner, but I remember you saying it could feel like a "baby deer walking" when I did. You were so right. I haven't gone back, nor will I. My question is, have you noticed moments where you miss them but don't actually want to go back? How did you handle it?

RESPONSE:

Hey girl!

I’m so happy to hear from you all the way from the East Coast. And first, please know—you are not alone in what you’re feeling. I know that experience very well.

Healing is rarely linear. Missing someone, or even having moments where you consider going back, can be a completely normal part of the process. Since you’re referring to your narcissistic partner, those waves of feeling can come and go.

One important thing to remember is that the attachment to them is often chemical. When you’ve been in a narcissist–empath dynamic, your brain and nervous system can actually become conditioned to the relationship. In many ways, breaking away can feel similar to breaking an addiction. It engages multiple reward and stress responses in the brain, so rewiring those patterns simply takes time—and it isn’t always easy (some attribute the feeling to trying to quit cigarettes!)

But I want you to hear this clearly: you are incredibly strong. I remember how difficult that relationship was for you. Statistically, it takes people an average of about 17.5 attempts to leave before they truly break free—so congratulations, girl. You did it.

Every time the pain shows up and you choose not to act on it, you are healing. Every moment you choose peace over chaos is a victory. You are stronger than you think, and I truly admire you.

Here are 3 Golden Nuggets:

The next time the feelings hit:

1. Name the feeling: "This is sadness, not desire for him."

2. Anchor: Remember WHY the relationship hurt you and WHY it ended.

3. Redirect: Take 5 minutes to either journal, talk it out with someone who knows you, meditate, or text (even me!).

These steps teach your nervous system to trust you and give yourself enough time to process the chemicals that are trying to take over. Remember, our hearts and minds are wired to remember BOTH love and loss. When someone has hurt us but also brought moments of connection, your brain can get stuck in the "good parts" even when the overall relationship was toxic as f...udge. Missing them does not mean you want them back. It just means your body and heart are processing the trauma and learning to heal.

If you feel you need more tools or just need to vent and be UNDERSTOOD (so healing) please text me. I'm so proud of you! Dezi-