Dear Dezi: Family Bullies

Does your relative make comments?

Dear Dezi,

I wanted to inquire about emails my NPD mother sends me, as well as her weekly texts. I heard you went over this in our SoulCatchers group and I missed that night. I have recently received an email from my mother (who is my size by the way) for an advertisement for Lane Bryant plus size clothing. I am a size 14 and struggle tremendously to workout and lose weight after my second child. I need my mother’s support and encouragement but she sends me jokes and emails like this with snarky comments like, “hang on to this coupon, you may need it soon.” And says things like “Oh you’ve lost weight? Don’t worry you’ll find it.”

Dezi, I don’t respond, as her behavior doesn’t warrant a response from me but it just seems to fuel her to continue to do it. I end up trying to “lick my wounds” for days and then find myself in a shame spiral when the next fat shaming incident comes from her. No one else finds the need to do this to me as I’m losing the weight. Would you be able to go over what was taught the night you discussed fat shaming?

Hurting J in Las Cruces

***

Dear Hurting J,

Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing this—it really matters. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this kind of hurtful behavior, especially from someone who is supposed to offer you love, safety, and encouragement. What you’re describing is painful, and it makes complete sense that it lingers and affects you the way it does. CPTSD is often a result of trying to survive familial pain. I hope I can ease some of this for you.

What you’re encountering are often called backhanded compliments or subtle forms of narcissistic devaluation or gaslighting (bullying). People with strong narcissistic traits—or even those who are emotionally immature—sometimes use these kinds of comments to provoke a REACTION, create self-doubt, or maintain a sense of control (i.e you losing weight, and getting healthy may make her feel her own loss of control). In some support spaces, these patterns are described as “NPD-like” behavior—not to dehumanize, but to highlight how repetitive, predictable, and emotionally disconnected these interactions can feel. (List Enclosed at the End)

It may also help to understand why this happens. Individuals with narcissistic patterns often rely on what’s called “narcissistic supply”—which is essentially the emotional reaction they receive from others, whether that reaction is admiration, hurt, or distress. Comments like the one you described can be a way to draw out that reaction. I like that you are not reacting to it and giving her the supply she’s trying to extract.

There can also be elements of comparison or even jealousy involved—especially when they see someone growing, changing, or focusing on themselves in a healthy way. Rather than expressing insecurity directly, it may come out sideways as criticism, passive aggressive responses, sarcasm, or “jokes.” None of this makes the behavior okay, but it can help explain why it keeps happening.

Another important piece is that people often direct this kind of behavior toward those they feel safest with—or those they believe will continue to stay in the relationship. I myself have had to walk away from family members who find it okay to hurt me, then they text everyone in the family and ask “what’s wrong with Dez, why is she like this to me.” Because playing victim is what they do after burning bridges they stand on.

The sense of “safety” they think they have with you isn’t about trust or love in a healthy sense; it’s more about familiarity and the expectation that there won’t be lasting consequences. Again, this reflects her patterns, not your worth.

You’re already doing something very strong and healthy by choosing not to engage. That’s often referred to as “gray rocking” and it’s a powerful boundary. Sometimes the behavior can increase at first when the usual reaction isn’t given—that’s a sign the dynamic is being disrupted, not that you’re doing anything wrong. The good news is over time they will go away because the lack of attention and supply is just not satisfying their disorder anymore, the tough part is you staying away when you ultimately love them and may see them at family events. I’ve learned loving from a distance is perfectly okay.

At the same time, your emotional response matters deeply. “Licking your wounds” and feeling that shame spiral is your nervous system trying to process repeated hurt. You deserve support during those moments. It may help to gently remind yourself:

• This is a pattern she repeats—it’s not a truth about me

• My body and my progress are my own, and they deserve respect

• I am allowed to protect my peace, even from family

If possible, you might also consider adding internal or external boundaries—such as limiting how often you read her messages, or giving yourself space before opening them. Not as avoidance, but as protection. I find it very empowering to just remove or archive messages so my brain won’t be triggered (self-love) and I’m also okay with blocking numbers so I’m not surprised during the day and forced to think about someone who doesn’t deserve my thoughts. I have new tools since leaving old patterns. It’s how we can rewire or neuroplasticity after their injury.

Most importantly, I want you to hear this clearly: nothing about your size, your journey after having children, or your pace of progress makes you deserving of ridicule. The fact that “no one else feels the need to do this” speaks volumes—it highlights that this is about her pattern, not you. Remember, narcissists need the therapy more than those they hurt, but therapy can’t change a personality disorder. It’s how they developed in childhood.

You are showing resilience, self-awareness, and strength in a very difficult dynamic. And you deserve encouragement, kindness, and support as you continue your journey. I am proud of you. Thank you for asking about this, I myself have been on the receiving end of parental bullying and there is no greater pain. We love them, but we can’t live in the world with them. I’ve learned staying away keeps my heart loving instead of hating.

With care my friend,

Dezi

***

Common Narcissistic Personality Disorder-Related Behaviors

• Lack of empathy

  
  

  Difficulty recognizing or caring about how their words/actions affect others.

  
  

• Need for control (Smear Campaigns)

  
  

  Trying to control conversations, narratives, or how others feel and behave about their target by lying, exaggerating, and gossiping.

  
  

• Narcissistic supply seeking

  
  

  Looking for reactions (positive or negative) to feel important, powerful, or validated.

  
  

• Backhanded compliments / subtle digs

  
  

  Comments that sound polite but carry an insult underneath.

  
  

• Devaluation

  
  

  Putting others down, criticizing, or making them feel “less than.”

  
  

• Gaslighting

  
  

  Denying or twisting reality to make you question your perception (e.g., “you’re too sensitive”).

  
  

• Passive-aggressive behavior

  
  

  Indirect hostility—sarcasm, “jokes,” or undermining comments.

  
  

• Projection

  
  

  Attributing their own insecurities or traits onto someone else. NPDs are known for pointing fingers toward others about insecurities they need to fix within themselves.

  
  

• Jealousy or competitiveness

  
  

  Struggling when others are doing well, improving, or receiving attention.

  
  

• Sabotaging progress

  
  

  Undermining growth (like weight loss, confidence, relationships).

  
  

• Boundary pushing or ignoring

  
  

  Continuing behaviors even after you’ve made it clear they hurt you.

  
  

• Intermittent reinforcement

  
  

  Alternating between kindness and cruelty, which can keep you emotionally hooked. (Serotonin/dopamine reactions)

  
  

• Victim stance

  
  

  Flipping situations so they appear to be the one being wronged.

  
  

• Minimizing your feelings

  
  

  Dismissing hurt with phrases like “it was just a joke.”

  
  

• Triangulation

  
  

  Bringing in other people to compare, shame, or create insecurity.

  
  

• Silent treatment / stonewalling

  
  

  Withdrawing communication to punish or control.

  
  

• Love-bombing (in some dynamics)

  
  

  Over-the-top affection or praise, often followed by withdrawal or criticism.

  
  

• Entitlement

  
  

  Belief that they can say or do things without consequence.

  
  

• Emotional immaturity

  
  

  Reacting in ways that are disproportionate, defensive, or childlike. Many are stuck at the very age they were injured. Where others grow, their disorder has them halted.